IT finally gets true 'silver bullet' security - one product does it all

by Steve Ragan - Apr 1 2009, 09:00

We interrupt your normal RSS news cycle to bring you the following: On April 01 2010, the technology world will no longer need security. This is because, according to newly acquired information, Chuck Norris is forming his own IT consultancy and launching a new line of business and consumer information security products.

The company, which does not need a name simply because you will use it and you will like it, is expected to boost the economy and lower cyber crime statistics overnight.

After researching further into this new business venture, we are sad to report that an intern for The Tech Herald saw the new software designs proposed by Mr. Norris and literally had his mind blown.

Without any confirmed evidence whatsoever with regard to the newly formed security company, we would like to list what we do know thanks to an informant who spoke to us on the condition that we never mention his name.

Mr. Mike Powell, who we interviewed in his nice apartment in Indianapolis, said that one of the system's physical layers of defense is a new twist on a Firewall. Specifically, according to Mr. Powell, it’s an actual Chuck Norris-endosed “wall of fire”.

The logic behind the security system is that if users can survive getting past its installation to use their systems, then they are deemed strong enough to completely avoid online crime. And mortal failure provides equal protection as they will never touch the system again, meaning that complete cyber safety is once again assured.

On the other end of things, the new security approach will include having a single .EXE file installed on the host computer. The file, named 'chuck_norris.bat', which is an obvious nod to the assault and battery you will suffer by attempting to reverse engineer the code, adds the computer to a global network and simply names the system 'Property of Chuck Norris'.

When asked how the software avoided the character limits imposed by Windows and other operating systems, as well as duplicate names causing issues on a global network, Mr. Powell gave a funny look and laughed, saying: “It's technologically impossible to impose restrictions on anything carrying the name Chuck Norris.”

The protection offered by chuck_norris.bat is straightforward. An attacker who attempts to exploit the host system will simply have his terminal explode. Automated attacks will be traced to the originator, and likewise a painful explosive retribution will befall them.

While it may seem seem somewhat shocking to see Chuck Norris moving into the Information Security business sector, the legendary bearded action hero is no stranger to IT, or anything else for that matter, and he is making a decent sum of money from it too.

According to Mr. Powell, who has since stopped answering our follow-up calls and hasn’t been seen for several days, “For years, Apple has been paying Chuck Norris $0.99 cents every time he listens to the preview of an iTunes song.” The irony here is, of course, that we all know Chuck Norris does not need money, ever -- unless he's hurling coinage as deadly projectiles. 

So there you have it, finally there is a 'silver bullet' in IT security, the one any only product that really will stop all known threats.

When Chuck Norris is ready to deploy his new bespoke security services, prospective users (and that's everyone) will be officially informed through burning sensations experienced whenever near their computers.

Note: The system will install and launch automatically with no need for users to lift a finger -- if they do, included anti-piracy measures featured on chuck_norris.bat will duly break them.

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