CERN admits black hole ripped in space by Large Hadron Collider

The Large Hadron Collider
The Large Hadron Collider rips hole in space. Credit: Maximilien Brice, CERN

Dear Readers:

We love you. Thank you for visiting and taking the time to comment. However, while we are not sure who is linking to this story as fact, someone is, and that’s spooky. There has been a spike in traffic to this article over the last month. This spike has actually suprassed the base traffic to the story during its original run.

Please remember this is a joke news item, it is not real. Also, the story is over two years old now, surely if it was true, I wouldn’t be writting this and you wouldn’t be reading it. Again, we love you. But this story is fake, there was no black hole created by CERN.

Likewise, the moon landing was real, Oswald acted alone, and your government has your best interestes at heart, just do as they say and take the blue pill.



Steve Ragan
Security Editor – The Tech Herald

Original Article:

A spokesperson for the European Organisation for Nuclear Research (CERN) has confirmed the fears of many in the scientific world after revealing that the reason for the sudden closure of the Large Hadron Collider, the world’s most expensive physics experiment, was not due to “technical problems” as previously stated, but because its controversial particle collisions have sensationally rendered a “tiny black hole” in the fabric of space.

“I can confirm that, yes, the first stages of the experiment resulted in the appearance of a miniscule black hole,” said the spokesperson to gathered reporters on Monday. “The black hole is being kept under quarantine and our scientists have been monitoring its progression,” he explained.

Situated deep underground on the French-Swiss border, the $10 billion USD Large Hadron Collider (LHC) had been opposed by many scientists who warned of the related dangers of the massive particle collision experiment.

The huge, ring-shaped LHC has been designed to give scientists an opportunity to re-create and study the origins of the universe and to end the search for the elusive Higgs Boson or ‘God particle’.

Many had bitterly said the consequences could be as extreme as the Earth being sucked into the black hole the LHC collisions may create as a side effect of the experiment. Others claimed time travellers with more sophisticated technology than ours could make use of the hole to invade the Earth and enslave mankind.

The particle physics experiment began with great fanfare on September 10, 2008, only to be mysteriously closed down nine days later. An announcement by CERN blamed mechanical failure between two superconducting magnets, a reason deemed strange at the time by scientists and theorists not involved in the experiment.

After confirming the incredible real reason for the closure of the LHC, the CERN spokesperson went on to placate reporters present by saying that his organization did not, at this stage, see any danger to the Earth’s existence.

However, when asked by reporters at CERN headquarters how the agency kept a black hole under quarantine, the spokesperson admitted, “With great difficulty ladies and gentlemen, with great difficulty.”

The Obama administration’s shadowy Special Crisis Operations (SCO) executive, Mr. C. Norris, told Washington reporters at a hastily-arranged news conference that his elite team was monitoring the situation closely and was ready to resolve any emerging crisis once it had “sorted out this global warming business and the current financial mess.”

The Tech Herald wishes all its readers a very happy April 01.

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